you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
