There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
