dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
