I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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