I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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