My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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