I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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