so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
