i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
