I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
