He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
