I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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