You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
