I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize