On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
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