No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize