I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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