One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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