I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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