Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
