I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
