Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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