Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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