Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
