After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize