I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
