Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
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