I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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