I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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