Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
