just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
