connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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