When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
