Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
