Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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