he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
