Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
