the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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