I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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