she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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