Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The best revenge is premature balding
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
