A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
