I met the friendliest cop last night
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
