isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize