he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
