It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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