she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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