shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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