The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
