Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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