I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
