Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
