i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
