Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(240): View more from Maryland

A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with

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(513): View more from Ohio

Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?

(816): View more from Missouri

Most never. Some around 65.

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(512): View more from Texas

So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married

(214): View more from Texas

What? They have three kids?

(512): View more from Texas

Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.

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(518): View more from New York

My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.

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