i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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