I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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